PART 11 :message from....?!?!?

....more and more i was starting to think about Khalid...i think i rushed the whole thing with Hamad because i was feeling empty without him.yes him,,,the EX..i keep comparing everyone to him..no one measures up...i started to think less and less of Hamad...this break was actually more serious then it turned out to be..there was literally zero contact..


i miss him..i do..i really do...

Khalid is all i ever really think about...

i decided i needed to go out..get my mind of things...my best friend decides its her job to cheer me up..so we decide to go out and have a one to one session of me telling her about all the recent updates, breakups, etc... we decided to go back to Saar at 9...and have dinner there... we go in..and then i see him...YES him..the love of my life..staring at me...looking at me so deeply so intensely i could not help but look away...he looked like he missed me..but i was over him..or trying to get over him..its been three months...and zero contact..after he told he he has no feelings for me...

my heart couldn't stop racing..i was flushed...my best friend felt that i was acting unusual..
i tried not to show it...but i know it showed...i haven't seen him in so long...shit...i missed him..my eyes were teary..how did things change so much between us...i tried to listen to what was my best friend babbling on about...but i was lost in my thoughts...lost in my thoughts about khalid...


what was going on now? i could see that he was still staring every couple of minutes..

I knew something was up..

the minute i leave Starbucks...thinking about khalid...


i hear a Beep...my heart stops for a second..i knew it...


it was from him! i remember his number...


i open the message and see:


"hi sweets..it was good seeing you..you looked beautiful as always..hope all is well..."





WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

Part 10: Suprising Behaviour

things with hamad..were so-so to say the least..


i don't know maybe we were better when it was online-on the phone-and long distance...


when we did talk, we end up fighting for some reason we just don't get each other...i was frustrated at myself...was it my fault..i kept comparing him to...the ex..and he wasn't adding up to be honest....he didn't call like he did...he didn't message like he did..he doesn't have cute nicknames for me like he did...was this doomed?!??!


i talked to my best friend about it...she told me: take things slow..see how it goes..this is supposed to be fun and refreshing..don't take everything so personally..be more carefree...

hmmm....i decided that my best friend knows best...so ill start being more easy going with hamad...


a usual day would be something like this:


i wake up in the morning -get ready- on the way to work..call him..he talks for a few and shuts the phone...during the day no message/ no calls...


i leave work : i call and see how he's doing...


he calls ONE time going to football practise or gahwa...and he checks to see where im at..


before i go to bed...i call again...and he's usually fil maylas or somewhere...


hmmmm was this normal? even if we just started but Khalid was nothing like that..we knew were the other person was during the day and we talked before going to bedtime -our ritual-


this happened almost everyday...i noticed that it was just me calling...


i decided to talk to Hamad about this the next time we see each other...

i mentioned to Hamad we should go out, and he decided to squeeze me in his busy schedule...so we went out to the movies...i picked him up from his house which was in Saar and we went together...i was silent on the way because i was thinking how and when to say what i wanted to say...Hamad was talking about work..football..the guys..i was pretty much updated with what he does everyday with everyone else..except with me..he didn't know much about my day..my work hmmm....this is not a good sign...

we went to the movies..and both of us were too into the movie to even talk..he held my hands in the movie which was cute of him..he covered my eyes during the scary parts..sometimes i feel we get along and sometimes not at all..it was always extremes...

we go to my car..and go inside..he asks..ha baby where now?

i say..where do you want? its 3pm now..when's your doctor's appointment?

he says: yeah...i gotta be home then to take my car..how about you drop me now?

I decided that this was it! It was only 2 and he wanted to go home now which was 5 min away...we both get in the car..and i started...i told him how i feel...

i told him that i needed more...that i wanted someone who would act like a proper boyfriend...and i told him about his lack of calls..messeges..and well concerns..

hamad didn't like what i had to say...he was quickly becoming very defensive...

i suggested we take a break...and hamad suddenly became very silent..
i felt a pang of regret but maybe this was for the best; maybe he will step up now...

Part 9: Complications

im frustrated..and angry...
maybe i expected a lot from Hamad...why did i jump so soon to another relationship...

all these thoughts were running in my mind...i don't know why i was feeling this way...it was just little things that have been adding up...

Hamad was still as nice as ever..but it was different..

he still acted like it was long distance..he didn't call or message much..it was like how it was when he was in the States,,except the only difference we see each other occasionally...maybe its because Hamad started to work in his family's company and was always super busy...

It all started like this...

Ana: Hamad...baby..when will i see you?
Hamad: hun..im busy today...i have a football game after work..and then i have to meet the guys at the gahwa...
Ana: ummm...ok i guess..another day....you want lunch tomorrow?
Hamad: hun u know that lunch with the guys is a must....

( Ana...hmm lunch with the guys a must..gahwa after dawam a must...so when is me time? !??! )
i let it go...but this was happening more and more...Hamad kept saying no to any kind of plans.. he was always busy...and when he was not he would try to " schedule 30 min " before football..

maybe i was being too sensitive or over analyzing every little detail..I'm not sure...

one day when Hamad agreed to see me before football practise...we were cruising in saar..our usual hang out..we were catching up with one another...

Hamad asked: hun i know we said we're seeing how this goes? but umm....should i change my facebook status?
ana: (laughing) you mean change your " its complicated" status...?
Hamad: (blushing) no...this was a long time ago..with my gf i mean ex..it was complicated..so ill just leave it like that then...
ana : ( a bit relieved) yeah its fine hamad...

Hamad continued to talk about his ex...and how they were supposed to be married when he finishes university...but she started dating other guys...and he found out...

i asked: do you still keep in touch with her?
hamad replied " yeah..we're friends she calls me when she knows I'm back in Bahrain..and asks about me and the family -u know...
i replied: oh ok....

to be honest..i didn't know and i had a bad feeling about this...

as we were cruising...he pointed to a friend's house..this is my buddy's house...
and this over there is the ex's house...

i commented: wow-she's everywhere today...
hamad: (laughing) no...she's not...
i asked: i dont know how to say this...but...do you still have feelings for her?
Hamad answered: noooooo !! are you serious? i dont-this was a long time ago...im over her..

i had a feeling that wouldn't be the last of it...
to say the least i was disappointed...why do i always end up for people with excess baggage?

Part 8: Explanations..

hamad sensed that i was a bit taken back with what he said..

he was like: i expected some kind of response from you babe..

ana: laaa hun..im so happy! walla i am....( a bit forceful)


hamad: you were one of many reasons baby..i was talking to my dad and my family and they all encouraged me to stay..i feel its the right thing..i love it here in Bahrain..and i don't want to be away from home anymore..i don't want to add pressure on you..i don't want it to come off like that..i want you to know that iv been thinking about this for some time..


ana: its just that I'm scared you end up hating it here or you think that I'm holding you back..that's why I'm a bit taken back about all this...I'm scared you end up hating me because you decided to stay here...

hamad: you don't have to be scared..i made this decision on my own hun...ana i want to settle here you know..I've been gone for so long i feel that i missed out on a lot..ill work in my family's company..all my friends are here..you're here...and don't ever say i'll end up hating you...you're my baby..

ana: are you 100% sure....? (with a smile on my face)

hamad: yes, i am...this is what i want to do...i love Bahrain..i don't get that feeling.. that people get ina their sick of the island..i want to work with my family...go out to lunch with the guys..the gahwa..play football..see you...everything will fall into place...

i hugged hamad..and he hugged me back..happy that things were on track again...i kinda felt relieved that it wasn't just because of me Hamad decided to stay..i was one of many reasons..and i found that flattering...i never had a guy do this to me..he really was different...i never met anyone like him..i was excited because my wish came true he was here for good and i felt that things can finally start to progress between us..

Hamad continued talking about his work plans..which department he was going to work in..i could sense he has been planning this for while...we were parked for the longest time..having one of those long chats...
i was happy...he was going to be here for good...this will bring us closer I'm sure...

i could see that Hamad was happy..he looked into my eyes..sensing that i felt the same way..
he quickly said.." what are you thinking about NOW NOW NOW.."
i laughed.." a lot of things.."
he said suggestively.." hmm...like what..."
i said : "umm...laish u put me on the spot...wayed ashya...bs mostly I'm so happy your here..walla ahiss things will be different..its not just long distance phone calls now..
he said.." u know what I'm thinking about? "
i replied.." heheh what...? I'm sure its something not good..." (laughing)
he said " how your lips would taste.."
ana : "HAMAAAAAAD!! hahaha you cant say that.."
he said: "ok ok...your cheek...see baby steps..."

he gave me one of his bear hugs...and kissed my cheek..
i turned a bright red color...he laughed sensing how shy i was...

hamad: ha baby...where do u want us to go now? what's next on our to do list?
ana: how about we continue cruising...and see where the road takes us...
hamad: ok hun...


for the next few days, me and hamad saw each other almost everyday!
i was falling for him..hard!! but to tell you the truth...I'm a bit scared because i don't want to be hurt again...the same way i was with...the ex....i cant even bring myself to say his name..I'm scared ill jinx things..i was so hurt..my spirit..my soul was broken..and i was slowly picking up the pieces with Hamad..who day by day is turning out to be a genuinely good guy..
i really hope things stay the same..but as they say nothing ever stays the same...


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a BIG sorry to all my wonderful readers...for the past couple of weeks i have been feeling completely uninspired..a lot of drama in my life..which all of you will soon be seeing in the next couple of posts..xoxoxo

Part 7:In bahrain...for good?!?

Hamad asked me if I can come to Lebanon...of course I said no! Even though we knew each other for a year now…but I just can’t just drop everything and go to Lebanon...

I replied (laughing): Hamad…you know I cant…walla I would love too bs I cant.

Hamad: Walla you should try to make it…I want to spend as much time with you as I possibly can.


ana: aww so cute!! bs hun u know I cant!! I promise we'll spend more time in Bahrain together!! Plus I came up with a lot of fun date ideas...

hamad: hmmmm..if that's the case…then i guess its ok…but the offer is still on the table if u change your mind..

hamad and I continued talking and catching up with each other's news…he was becoming a big part of my daily life…I really liked him...a lot…I don’t know if I was using him as a distraction or a fling to forget Khalid…I’m not sure really…but I knew one thing for sure…I liked him and I knew he liked me too…there was definitely a SPARK there...

hmmmm…the only negative aspect to all this was Hamad was in the States...I really wish he was here for good…

little did I know that wish was going to come true sooner then later...

I sent an email to my friend informing her of my news...

Ana: I have Hamad updates... he'll be here next week.. I really think he likes me maskeen he's so nice!! walla arta7 min aklmah... he came in the RIGHT time!!! This is what I needed to forget about Khalid!

May replied: Hamad came at a really good time! il9ara7a he's a life saver…atleast he's there to make u feel better, la2ana at this point its very important ina u feel good about yourself so u can move on. wala babe u deserve the BEST and nothing less...and inshala you will get it!! bs 9adgeeni the "right" person will come along in due course..kil shay maktoob sometimes u just have to go through tiny bumps along the way in which u learn from,, fa lati7tarain and don’t sit and wonder why things happen, because we might not know now but we will find out someday..
So when is hamad coming to bahrain?? exicted? =ppppp
shloon shakla btw? I mean enshofa fe amakin wela la??

Ana: he's coming next week!!! i cant wait Walla. He’s in Lebanon now…and I’m just waiting for him to come to Bahrain!! We have a lot on our to do list ;) heheh mathin you’ve seen him around babe…he’s younger then us!! Plus, he doesn’t hang out at the same places we do!!

May replied: You seem to be extra- excited about Hamad..I have a good feeling about him..! It’s so obvious you like him!! I know u too well!!! hahaha yala inshala u guys will have a blast!!! Are you taking any days off?? Spending the day with him?

Ana: laa I’m not taking any days off. I’ll see him after work.....we’re just going with the flow babe. Whatever that means... im so excited!! :) My luck is finally turning around!!


A week later, Hamad was finally in Bahrain!!

He called me as soon as he landed…and said: baby…I'm here…

ana: 7imdilla 3ala ilsalama!! How was your flight?

hamad: it was short…good to be back home!! My friends just picked me up…I’ll pass by my house and basalim 3ala the family…see you afterwards then?

ana: ( excited) eee for sure…Saar?

hamad: ee ill pick u up in little while then..

As I parked my car in Saar cinema…ready to get into Hamad's car…I was nervous…super nervous.. My heart was beating…this was my first official date after my break-up with Khalid…I tried to distract myself from over-thinking the whole situation which I usually do...so I checked the mirror AGAIN to see if I looked cute for our date…I wore my favorite black dress with black stockings and gold ballet flats…and I had on a funky colorful necklace and I thought I looked pretty good.

He parked next to my car...I left my car…and he came to me…he hugged me hello and kissed my cheeks. I immediately forgot about my nervousness and I felt comfortable around him.. i got into the car..and we started chatting like we've been doing this all our lives..

he commented : you look so beautiful…

me(blushing) : thanks e3onik il 7elwa..

Hamad: (with a mischievous smile) So what’s the first thing on our to do list...?



ana: hmmm hot chocolate?

Hamad: ok…9ar…

We stopped in Starbucks...and he asked: ill go down and get you your hot chocolate baby…I’m sure its crowded…do you want anything specific with yours?

ana: Hun..plain hot chocolate please…skinny..

Hamad: ok..degayig.. a few minutes later, Hamad came in got the hot chocolate drinks and we continued cruising in the area... I felt genuinely happy…he was such a decent guy...

Hamad: Baby…I have something to tell you..

ana: what’s up? Tell me?

Hamad: I might stay here for good…and work with my family's company... and I wanted you to know that one of the reasons I’m staying is because of you...

I was shocked...was this moving too fast for me? What did I get myself into?

Part 6: Hamad's suprising request...

I think I’m actually falling for Hamad...

He was becoming more and more involved in my life...the long msn chats became long international phone calls...I started to get used to talking to Hamad all the time. We just connected and we made each other laugh, which I think is a pretty good sign...


He really did come in the right time...sometimes I wonder maybe it’s a sign of some sort telling me that Khalid wasn’t the one for me and maybe Hamad is the one…I’m not sure what it really means…but Hamad is making me happy again…and I like that…I used to be a very happy person but after the whole Khalid breakup it really took a toll on my self esteem, personality…and I know I shouldn’t let one person affect me so much…but day by day I’m starting to forget the old memories of Khalid and I’m starting to make new ones with Hamad…


ufff…I wish Hamad was in Bahrain…Hamad was all the way in the States…Hamad graduated that summer but went back to look for work there...

One day during our call…. Hamad said: babe! I can’t believe that we never went out in Bahrain... Ana: I know…but we saw each other a couple of times…

Hamad: yeah but that’s not a 6al3a…

Ana: ma fi amal you’re coming anytime soon?

Hamad: I didn’t want to tell you this until I was sure…but I might come to Bahrain for two weeks…

Ana: (excited) eeeeeee u should hamad plzzz..mitaa??

Hamd: end of December for my X-mas break…

Ana: wala im so happy..it will be good to see you

Hamad: same here hun..a7iss msn and phone are one thing but seeing each other in real life is different..

Ana( laughing) : haaa laykoon bit’3ayer rieeek when you meet me?

Hamad: laa huuuun I didn’t mean that…bs it will be good…better...

Ana: shino tabe itswee when you’re here… lets plan…lazm inswee a to-do list?

Hamad: hmm…we go out for hot chocolate?

Ana: eee…I love hot chocolate..oo with this weather now heheheh…oo cruisn fil sayrah ba3d..

Hamad: movie… take you out to dinner….

Ana: (laughing) alieey..we have a lot on our to-do list…

Hamad: yeah…I cant wait…walla..



A few days later…

Hamad: babe…don’t get mad…bs ill be in Bahrain only for one week..

Ana: why?

Hamad: I have to go to Lebanon...my cousins are coming...and they already planned everything...i want to get out of it but i cant...

Ana: oh…

Hamd: don’t be sad..walla..it just happened…my cousin beyay ma3a mertah..their staying 3indina in our house…why don’t you come to Lebanon? We’ll double date? You should meet them...eshriech? ill pick u up from the airport take you to our house, you'll stay 3indina...we’ll go out.. have fun…..what do you think…I really want to be with you…

Ana: ummm……..


To be continued…….

Part 5: A little something about Hamad....

So i decided no more looking back..i know i said that before...but life moves on..it really does..and it doesn't make sense to cling to someone you don't have anymore...



i decided i needed to live my life... i'll continue with how things unfolded with another "someone"...



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with all the drama that was going on with my life, i completely forgot about Hamad..i sat back and remembered what happened that day...



Hamad continued with his confession to me..online confession that is... Hamad was my msn friend for a year know..and we knew each other pretty well..but he was studying in the States so i only saw him around when he was back in the summer and winter breaks. Hamad was actually my friend's friend -that's how we got introduced one day in Starbucks, and i immediately thought "Hmmm..cute guy-he seems nice...".



a few days later after the encounter, he added me on facebook. once i accepted, he sent me an FB message thanking me and so forth. We exchanged emails back and forth until we exchanged personal emails...and added each other online...that's how we became "msn buddies".



hamad started opening up to me and continued by saying so many things..i was surprised..i remember him saying along the lines of..." i don't want to confuse you now..i know you're going through a lot..but i have always liked you..i liked you from the day i saw you in Starbucks..remember that day? Anyways, after we really got to know each other, i felt that you might have liked me back..we clicked...and when I came back in the summer i wanted to ask you out but then you told me you had someone...





to be completely honest...i kinda got the impression that hamad liked me..so i took a step back..he started calling me a lot when he came back in the summer..and i didn't want to feel like i was cheating on my then boyfriend...i actually told khalid about him to make him jealous and boy did that work! khalid told me to ignore him..i couldn't just ignore my friend just like that so min 9oubi ana 5afaft..wouldn't reply/respond to all his calls/msgs..i just had a feeling he liked me but i wasn't a 100% sure...months later he confirmed to me what i have guessed..i think its true what they say you should always follow your gut instinct and mine was right this time..



i have to confess that we did click..i mean Hamad & I..and i felt bad for that because how can you click with another guy while you're in love with another...so that was the main reason I took a step back from hamad... when he told me let's meet up, or anything like that i made excuses not to..and soon he was gone to the States...or so I thought...



bits and pieces of our msn conversation:

ana: " hamad..i don't know what to say..i never knew you felt this way..you never showed me anything" .

hamad: " the only reason i didn't show it because you had someone and you kept me as a friend..BUDDY..ahhh i hate that word when you use it.. "

ana: hehehhe i didn't mean anything by buddy..it's just something i say..but i have to admit i liked you too..but i thought it was just from my side so...

hamad: so.... me: i couldn't do anything about it then.. hamad: I want you to know that I'm always going to be here for you...you should know that..walla trust me you deserve to be treated like the princess that you are..

ana: (blushing) oh wow..I'm speechless walla... hamad: give me a chance and ill prove it to you.. ana: hamad i just got out of a relationship..i cant even think of being in another one..

hamad: how about we take it one day at a time..



hamad continued flirting with me online...and i have to admit i liked it.. he was such a nice guy..a breath of fresh air as they say..this is exactly what i needed to forget khalid.. so for now hamad and I were taking it one day at a time..whatever that means..



we'll keep you posted...xoxo

my blog is up and running again! :)

sorry bloggers but all my posts have vanished..i almost had a mini nervous break down but thank god i have added them all again!!
would love to hear what you think about the posts?
loads of love,
my Sweets

xoxoxo

Part 4: So Sad :(

I had to post today because today is not a good day for me-at all!

so Khalid..the love of my life..has changed his facebook status to "IN A RELATIONSHIP"!!! a freaking month after the breakup. i deleted him a while back like i said i did..i came to know this information from my best friend who was shocked to see this come on her news feed on facebook.

i choked...i couldn't let the tears in anymore..it hurt..i know i said i'll move on but broadcasting your relationship status to everyone in Bahrain ?? i don't get that? i had a million and one thoughts cross my head..it was really over. it has been for a month now but for him to move on so quickly was an insult...

i always hoped that he would come back and tell me he made the biggest mistake in his life and beg me back..i always had hope that things would go back to the way they were.. as hard as it may sound but the love of my life decided i was not the ONE for him and he preferred someone else..

god..this hurts so much. I'm lost, so lost...and i don't know what to do now? I'm at a point now where i think I'm not worth any one's love..i feel all alone in the world... i reach out to my friends, and I'm happy to see that they all genuinely care.

my friend dalal wrote me to say the following: "I am very sorry you had to experience this… life and relationships have been harsh on u, and these things aren’t making sense now,, bas they will… I know they will.. I am here, all the time and anytime, and like u said, you have a million people who love u and understand you'r true worth,,If we all know shino gadrech, there is "someone" out there who will and will come in time .I really love u , mabee galbich e3awrech o 3erfay ina ana ba3ad my heart is broken on you're behalf.. you're not alone "

i felt better once I heard my friend's reaction to the news...they did understand...its not as bleak as i thought it was..i kinda have hope now and i shouldn't give up on me because there are people out there that do love me for me..people that will be there for me no matter what..and that I am a special somebody to someone else...

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i don't know if you're reading my posts..but i hope you can relate in some way.. feel free to comment :*

xoxo

...

Part 3: the end & the beginning..

"Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before.."

Listening to the song..i pushed back the tears and tried hard to stop reminiscing about the past..oh how i wish i can hold him one last time, see him one last time...
I'm broken i really am..but i cant do this to myself anymore..

i needed to do something..

i finally knew the reason..he just doesn't love me anymore..regardless if he meant it or not but he said those words anyways...i have stopped trying..i got the closure i needed.

i decided it was time to get rid of him in every way possible.
i looked at my phone and deleted all his numbers...home, work, mobile,cousin's numbers EVERYTHING..then i deleted all his messages..that was so hard to do..because those messages meant so much to me..i couldn't bear to read the lovey dovey messages he once sent..so i deleted them all..i needed a fresh start...
the last thing item i need to do to my phone was to delete his pictures..now my phone was officially Khalid free.

now..i log into my facebook..and automatically i check Khalid's page and see his smiling picture..oh how i miss that smile..i miss his special smile to me..i cant go forward if i keep seeing his profile and see that he has really moved on..so i chose to click "remove from friends"..i do that and get another message " are you sure you want to remove khalid as your friend ?" i hesitantly press "remove friend". i go to my inbox and delete his messages there as well..

moving on to msn..i find his hotmail address and decide to block and delete..

wow..he's everywhere.

i feel better...ham winza7..i needed not to see him, hear about him or anything..it was all too much to bear...i just needed him to disappear from my life..like he never even existed.


now my friends were all trying to set me up.."oh i know this great guy", " you should meet flan" etc etc..i knew my friends meant well..but i was not ready..i wasn't even thinking about getting into a relationship all over again... i got so hurt the last time..I'm too scared to try again..

but as they say..when one door closes another one opens...


" i liked you from the moment i saw you..i have always liked you..i wanted to tell ask you out when i was back here in the summer but you told me you have someone else..so i couldn't do anything more...I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time..i wish you told me about this earlier...but really..trust me.. you deserve much better.." that's what Hamad had to say when he heard about the break up.

That's the day Hamad decided to open up to me and tell me how he feels about me...

Part 2: Starbucks

Beep

“One unread message”

I open and see a message from Sweets:*
This was a few hours after our last conversation. What could he possible say now?

“I’m sorry. Walla I’m so sorry. You deserve better then me. You’re what every guy wants…beautiful, kind, and sweet but I’m not right for you. You should know you always have me as a friend but please…forget me… Move on...T7amlay eb roo7ich...Goodnight”

I know he felt guilty...the message was sent at 4am.
But what kind of sorry message was that!?!?
He wants me to forget him, but he’s a friend at the same time!?!?
How could he??

I thought he was the one…

We we’re planning to get engaged soon…
How could that be? Does he really not love me anymore…or did he just say that to push me away?

But he said those words anyways…and I really don’t think I can forgive him…my baby. my sweets.


After deleting the message, I tried to block him out of my mind.
I cried myself to bed that night...the day Khalid said he has no feelings for me.
I kept repeating that line in my head over and over again, not believing what had actually happened…how one person can go from loving someone to…nothing.

Waking up the next day, I decided I was going to stay at home and feel sorry for myself. I called my best friend and told her everything that had happened.

She was in shock because Khalid was her friend in the first place and she was the one who played matchmaker with us.

Sara was like “I know he’s a very moody guy…but this is unexplainable. It doesn’t make sense. Walla babe you deserve someone so much better…estabeen feeh?
Ana, “but he’s the love of my life. I never felt this way about anyone before.
Sara: Hun if he was the love of your life he’d still be with you. I know it’s harsh to say bs 5alah ewali..hie wayehi akeed berid et7asaf bs by that time intay bekon 3indch wa7id a7san oo a3jab minah..sadgeeeeniiiiii”
Ana: “I know you’re right babe..bs right know I feel like shit..I feel sorry for myself because I didn’t see it coming. I’ll just sit at home mabi achoof a7ad…
Sara: 3balch ba5leech yalla babe dress up we’re going to starbucks...I’m picking you up in an hour.
Ana: la…
Sara: mo kaifch yalla byeeee best friend.

So…an hour later Sara picks me up and we’re on our way to starbucks. That place has been our hangout for the past couple of years. I think we know everyone there. We go in, say our usual hellos to our friends and acquaintances, usually people from our school or neighboring schools. We go and order our drinks and decide to sit outside because the weather is so beautiful and cold.

We go outside…sip our hot caramel macchiato…suddenly… I see HIM.
He’s walking to starbucks looking like he hasn’t slept well. He sees me…and we’re just staring at each other for a milli-second…and I quickly turn my head away...
I act like he doesn’t even exist... I don’t turn back to take a second look...my friends keep telling me “oh, he staring”...” why is he looking”, “why does he look like crap” oo “estabeen feeh?”

Why is he playing mind games with me? Why is he staring?

I decided from that day forth…I deserve better.

I will not chase someone that doesn’t want me…no more trying…no more calling…it’s time to let go…

Khalid saying those words changed everything...

I had a feeling that…things will never be the same again…

Part 1 : The Ex-files

" You never think the last time is the last time. You think you have forever but you don't.. I need something to happen..I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. i need some hope.."



I was watching an old episode of Grey's Anatomy and that line just hit me-HARD..that's exactly how i felt after he decided to break up with me..after my sweets decided to break up with me..its been a few weeks now..i should be ok..but i keep analyzing and over analyzing what happened..



I'm still sad inside..i feel that my soul is broken..if that's even possible? people stop me and ask " whats wrong? feech shay? " Ana i pretend like everything is ok and have a fake smile on and say "Ma fi shay..I'm ok-really" so the love of my life broke up with me out of the blue and i am still wondering what could have gone wrong..was i not good enough? did I do something to push him away?



when I'm feeling down..i start remembering all the good times we had..I try to hold back my tears, but its not working..i seem to break down ever so often but always alone..in my room in bed when its all dark..i don't want them to know that i didn't move on..that I'm not ok really.....I'm a mess..a complete and utter mess..and no one understands the extent of this break up on me..this is just not ANY guy he's THE guy..he's the one for me..or so I thought? my friends are like "oh well, you'll move on" and I'm wondering silently "Are they freaking serious??



" i miss him..i miss hearing him laugh...i miss him calling me baby, 7beeby, 3umri, 3yooni, he was a romantic guy..just my type..i never connected with anyone like this before..i remember us skipping work and spending the day together.. going to Saar cinema watching a romantic movie (my favorite), hanging out at Friends or Maggie's..having dinner at Olivetto's..so many things!!



i remember his name on my fone..it would beep " sweets:*".. i miss seeing his name show on my phone's screen.. i miss him i miss him a55555555555555 i miss him :(



after a year into the relationship..our last conversation went a little something like this:



Note: for a few days, khalid was acting all weird..he wouldn't call before he sleeps like he used to he didnt want to see me..he was just acting distant and i needed to know why..



me: what's wrong hun? you've been acting so distant

Khalid: i don't know how to tell you this but..umm...I'm not ready for a relationship..

me: what? (in Shock)

Khalid: i feel I'm too young..and the marriage issue is on my mind..i don't want to drag you along with me..i don't know when ill be ready..i don't want to get married now..and i don't know what's wrong with me..it could be a phase or maybe not?

me: (eyes tearing up ) you don't want to be with me??? after all this time,we have been together..but your the love of my life.. Khalid: (grows quiet) but i have no feelings for you anymore..



(SILENCE)



i have no words to say..nothing to say at all..my absolute worst fear came to life...he doesn't love me anymore...he really doesn't..