Part 6: Hamad's suprising request...

I think I’m actually falling for Hamad...

He was becoming more and more involved in my life...the long msn chats became long international phone calls...I started to get used to talking to Hamad all the time. We just connected and we made each other laugh, which I think is a pretty good sign...


He really did come in the right time...sometimes I wonder maybe it’s a sign of some sort telling me that Khalid wasn’t the one for me and maybe Hamad is the one…I’m not sure what it really means…but Hamad is making me happy again…and I like that…I used to be a very happy person but after the whole Khalid breakup it really took a toll on my self esteem, personality…and I know I shouldn’t let one person affect me so much…but day by day I’m starting to forget the old memories of Khalid and I’m starting to make new ones with Hamad…


ufff…I wish Hamad was in Bahrain…Hamad was all the way in the States…Hamad graduated that summer but went back to look for work there...

One day during our call…. Hamad said: babe! I can’t believe that we never went out in Bahrain... Ana: I know…but we saw each other a couple of times…

Hamad: yeah but that’s not a 6al3a…

Ana: ma fi amal you’re coming anytime soon?

Hamad: I didn’t want to tell you this until I was sure…but I might come to Bahrain for two weeks…

Ana: (excited) eeeeeee u should hamad plzzz..mitaa??

Hamd: end of December for my X-mas break…

Ana: wala im so happy..it will be good to see you

Hamad: same here hun..a7iss msn and phone are one thing but seeing each other in real life is different..

Ana( laughing) : haaa laykoon bit’3ayer rieeek when you meet me?

Hamad: laa huuuun I didn’t mean that…bs it will be good…better...

Ana: shino tabe itswee when you’re here… lets plan…lazm inswee a to-do list?

Hamad: hmm…we go out for hot chocolate?

Ana: eee…I love hot chocolate..oo with this weather now heheheh…oo cruisn fil sayrah ba3d..

Hamad: movie… take you out to dinner….

Ana: (laughing) alieey..we have a lot on our to-do list…

Hamad: yeah…I cant wait…walla..



A few days later…

Hamad: babe…don’t get mad…bs ill be in Bahrain only for one week..

Ana: why?

Hamad: I have to go to Lebanon...my cousins are coming...and they already planned everything...i want to get out of it but i cant...

Ana: oh…

Hamd: don’t be sad..walla..it just happened…my cousin beyay ma3a mertah..their staying 3indina in our house…why don’t you come to Lebanon? We’ll double date? You should meet them...eshriech? ill pick u up from the airport take you to our house, you'll stay 3indina...we’ll go out.. have fun…..what do you think…I really want to be with you…

Ana: ummm……..


To be continued…….

Part 5: A little something about Hamad....

So i decided no more looking back..i know i said that before...but life moves on..it really does..and it doesn't make sense to cling to someone you don't have anymore...



i decided i needed to live my life... i'll continue with how things unfolded with another "someone"...



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with all the drama that was going on with my life, i completely forgot about Hamad..i sat back and remembered what happened that day...



Hamad continued with his confession to me..online confession that is... Hamad was my msn friend for a year know..and we knew each other pretty well..but he was studying in the States so i only saw him around when he was back in the summer and winter breaks. Hamad was actually my friend's friend -that's how we got introduced one day in Starbucks, and i immediately thought "Hmmm..cute guy-he seems nice...".



a few days later after the encounter, he added me on facebook. once i accepted, he sent me an FB message thanking me and so forth. We exchanged emails back and forth until we exchanged personal emails...and added each other online...that's how we became "msn buddies".



hamad started opening up to me and continued by saying so many things..i was surprised..i remember him saying along the lines of..." i don't want to confuse you now..i know you're going through a lot..but i have always liked you..i liked you from the day i saw you in Starbucks..remember that day? Anyways, after we really got to know each other, i felt that you might have liked me back..we clicked...and when I came back in the summer i wanted to ask you out but then you told me you had someone...





to be completely honest...i kinda got the impression that hamad liked me..so i took a step back..he started calling me a lot when he came back in the summer..and i didn't want to feel like i was cheating on my then boyfriend...i actually told khalid about him to make him jealous and boy did that work! khalid told me to ignore him..i couldn't just ignore my friend just like that so min 9oubi ana 5afaft..wouldn't reply/respond to all his calls/msgs..i just had a feeling he liked me but i wasn't a 100% sure...months later he confirmed to me what i have guessed..i think its true what they say you should always follow your gut instinct and mine was right this time..



i have to confess that we did click..i mean Hamad & I..and i felt bad for that because how can you click with another guy while you're in love with another...so that was the main reason I took a step back from hamad... when he told me let's meet up, or anything like that i made excuses not to..and soon he was gone to the States...or so I thought...



bits and pieces of our msn conversation:

ana: " hamad..i don't know what to say..i never knew you felt this way..you never showed me anything" .

hamad: " the only reason i didn't show it because you had someone and you kept me as a friend..BUDDY..ahhh i hate that word when you use it.. "

ana: hehehhe i didn't mean anything by buddy..it's just something i say..but i have to admit i liked you too..but i thought it was just from my side so...

hamad: so.... me: i couldn't do anything about it then.. hamad: I want you to know that I'm always going to be here for you...you should know that..walla trust me you deserve to be treated like the princess that you are..

ana: (blushing) oh wow..I'm speechless walla... hamad: give me a chance and ill prove it to you.. ana: hamad i just got out of a relationship..i cant even think of being in another one..

hamad: how about we take it one day at a time..



hamad continued flirting with me online...and i have to admit i liked it.. he was such a nice guy..a breath of fresh air as they say..this is exactly what i needed to forget khalid.. so for now hamad and I were taking it one day at a time..whatever that means..



we'll keep you posted...xoxo

my blog is up and running again! :)

sorry bloggers but all my posts have vanished..i almost had a mini nervous break down but thank god i have added them all again!!
would love to hear what you think about the posts?
loads of love,
my Sweets

xoxoxo

Part 4: So Sad :(

I had to post today because today is not a good day for me-at all!

so Khalid..the love of my life..has changed his facebook status to "IN A RELATIONSHIP"!!! a freaking month after the breakup. i deleted him a while back like i said i did..i came to know this information from my best friend who was shocked to see this come on her news feed on facebook.

i choked...i couldn't let the tears in anymore..it hurt..i know i said i'll move on but broadcasting your relationship status to everyone in Bahrain ?? i don't get that? i had a million and one thoughts cross my head..it was really over. it has been for a month now but for him to move on so quickly was an insult...

i always hoped that he would come back and tell me he made the biggest mistake in his life and beg me back..i always had hope that things would go back to the way they were.. as hard as it may sound but the love of my life decided i was not the ONE for him and he preferred someone else..

god..this hurts so much. I'm lost, so lost...and i don't know what to do now? I'm at a point now where i think I'm not worth any one's love..i feel all alone in the world... i reach out to my friends, and I'm happy to see that they all genuinely care.

my friend dalal wrote me to say the following: "I am very sorry you had to experience this… life and relationships have been harsh on u, and these things aren’t making sense now,, bas they will… I know they will.. I am here, all the time and anytime, and like u said, you have a million people who love u and understand you'r true worth,,If we all know shino gadrech, there is "someone" out there who will and will come in time .I really love u , mabee galbich e3awrech o 3erfay ina ana ba3ad my heart is broken on you're behalf.. you're not alone "

i felt better once I heard my friend's reaction to the news...they did understand...its not as bleak as i thought it was..i kinda have hope now and i shouldn't give up on me because there are people out there that do love me for me..people that will be there for me no matter what..and that I am a special somebody to someone else...

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i don't know if you're reading my posts..but i hope you can relate in some way.. feel free to comment :*

xoxo

...

Part 3: the end & the beginning..

"Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before.."

Listening to the song..i pushed back the tears and tried hard to stop reminiscing about the past..oh how i wish i can hold him one last time, see him one last time...
I'm broken i really am..but i cant do this to myself anymore..

i needed to do something..

i finally knew the reason..he just doesn't love me anymore..regardless if he meant it or not but he said those words anyways...i have stopped trying..i got the closure i needed.

i decided it was time to get rid of him in every way possible.
i looked at my phone and deleted all his numbers...home, work, mobile,cousin's numbers EVERYTHING..then i deleted all his messages..that was so hard to do..because those messages meant so much to me..i couldn't bear to read the lovey dovey messages he once sent..so i deleted them all..i needed a fresh start...
the last thing item i need to do to my phone was to delete his pictures..now my phone was officially Khalid free.

now..i log into my facebook..and automatically i check Khalid's page and see his smiling picture..oh how i miss that smile..i miss his special smile to me..i cant go forward if i keep seeing his profile and see that he has really moved on..so i chose to click "remove from friends"..i do that and get another message " are you sure you want to remove khalid as your friend ?" i hesitantly press "remove friend". i go to my inbox and delete his messages there as well..

moving on to msn..i find his hotmail address and decide to block and delete..

wow..he's everywhere.

i feel better...ham winza7..i needed not to see him, hear about him or anything..it was all too much to bear...i just needed him to disappear from my life..like he never even existed.


now my friends were all trying to set me up.."oh i know this great guy", " you should meet flan" etc etc..i knew my friends meant well..but i was not ready..i wasn't even thinking about getting into a relationship all over again... i got so hurt the last time..I'm too scared to try again..

but as they say..when one door closes another one opens...


" i liked you from the moment i saw you..i have always liked you..i wanted to tell ask you out when i was back here in the summer but you told me you have someone else..so i couldn't do anything more...I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time..i wish you told me about this earlier...but really..trust me.. you deserve much better.." that's what Hamad had to say when he heard about the break up.

That's the day Hamad decided to open up to me and tell me how he feels about me...

Part 2: Starbucks

Beep

“One unread message”

I open and see a message from Sweets:*
This was a few hours after our last conversation. What could he possible say now?

“I’m sorry. Walla I’m so sorry. You deserve better then me. You’re what every guy wants…beautiful, kind, and sweet but I’m not right for you. You should know you always have me as a friend but please…forget me… Move on...T7amlay eb roo7ich...Goodnight”

I know he felt guilty...the message was sent at 4am.
But what kind of sorry message was that!?!?
He wants me to forget him, but he’s a friend at the same time!?!?
How could he??

I thought he was the one…

We we’re planning to get engaged soon…
How could that be? Does he really not love me anymore…or did he just say that to push me away?

But he said those words anyways…and I really don’t think I can forgive him…my baby. my sweets.


After deleting the message, I tried to block him out of my mind.
I cried myself to bed that night...the day Khalid said he has no feelings for me.
I kept repeating that line in my head over and over again, not believing what had actually happened…how one person can go from loving someone to…nothing.

Waking up the next day, I decided I was going to stay at home and feel sorry for myself. I called my best friend and told her everything that had happened.

She was in shock because Khalid was her friend in the first place and she was the one who played matchmaker with us.

Sara was like “I know he’s a very moody guy…but this is unexplainable. It doesn’t make sense. Walla babe you deserve someone so much better…estabeen feeh?
Ana, “but he’s the love of my life. I never felt this way about anyone before.
Sara: Hun if he was the love of your life he’d still be with you. I know it’s harsh to say bs 5alah ewali..hie wayehi akeed berid et7asaf bs by that time intay bekon 3indch wa7id a7san oo a3jab minah..sadgeeeeniiiiii”
Ana: “I know you’re right babe..bs right know I feel like shit..I feel sorry for myself because I didn’t see it coming. I’ll just sit at home mabi achoof a7ad…
Sara: 3balch ba5leech yalla babe dress up we’re going to starbucks...I’m picking you up in an hour.
Ana: la…
Sara: mo kaifch yalla byeeee best friend.

So…an hour later Sara picks me up and we’re on our way to starbucks. That place has been our hangout for the past couple of years. I think we know everyone there. We go in, say our usual hellos to our friends and acquaintances, usually people from our school or neighboring schools. We go and order our drinks and decide to sit outside because the weather is so beautiful and cold.

We go outside…sip our hot caramel macchiato…suddenly… I see HIM.
He’s walking to starbucks looking like he hasn’t slept well. He sees me…and we’re just staring at each other for a milli-second…and I quickly turn my head away...
I act like he doesn’t even exist... I don’t turn back to take a second look...my friends keep telling me “oh, he staring”...” why is he looking”, “why does he look like crap” oo “estabeen feeh?”

Why is he playing mind games with me? Why is he staring?

I decided from that day forth…I deserve better.

I will not chase someone that doesn’t want me…no more trying…no more calling…it’s time to let go…

Khalid saying those words changed everything...

I had a feeling that…things will never be the same again…

Part 1 : The Ex-files

" You never think the last time is the last time. You think you have forever but you don't.. I need something to happen..I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. i need some hope.."



I was watching an old episode of Grey's Anatomy and that line just hit me-HARD..that's exactly how i felt after he decided to break up with me..after my sweets decided to break up with me..its been a few weeks now..i should be ok..but i keep analyzing and over analyzing what happened..



I'm still sad inside..i feel that my soul is broken..if that's even possible? people stop me and ask " whats wrong? feech shay? " Ana i pretend like everything is ok and have a fake smile on and say "Ma fi shay..I'm ok-really" so the love of my life broke up with me out of the blue and i am still wondering what could have gone wrong..was i not good enough? did I do something to push him away?



when I'm feeling down..i start remembering all the good times we had..I try to hold back my tears, but its not working..i seem to break down ever so often but always alone..in my room in bed when its all dark..i don't want them to know that i didn't move on..that I'm not ok really.....I'm a mess..a complete and utter mess..and no one understands the extent of this break up on me..this is just not ANY guy he's THE guy..he's the one for me..or so I thought? my friends are like "oh well, you'll move on" and I'm wondering silently "Are they freaking serious??



" i miss him..i miss hearing him laugh...i miss him calling me baby, 7beeby, 3umri, 3yooni, he was a romantic guy..just my type..i never connected with anyone like this before..i remember us skipping work and spending the day together.. going to Saar cinema watching a romantic movie (my favorite), hanging out at Friends or Maggie's..having dinner at Olivetto's..so many things!!



i remember his name on my fone..it would beep " sweets:*".. i miss seeing his name show on my phone's screen.. i miss him i miss him a55555555555555 i miss him :(



after a year into the relationship..our last conversation went a little something like this:



Note: for a few days, khalid was acting all weird..he wouldn't call before he sleeps like he used to he didnt want to see me..he was just acting distant and i needed to know why..



me: what's wrong hun? you've been acting so distant

Khalid: i don't know how to tell you this but..umm...I'm not ready for a relationship..

me: what? (in Shock)

Khalid: i feel I'm too young..and the marriage issue is on my mind..i don't want to drag you along with me..i don't know when ill be ready..i don't want to get married now..and i don't know what's wrong with me..it could be a phase or maybe not?

me: (eyes tearing up ) you don't want to be with me??? after all this time,we have been together..but your the love of my life.. Khalid: (grows quiet) but i have no feelings for you anymore..



(SILENCE)



i have no words to say..nothing to say at all..my absolute worst fear came to life...he doesn't love me anymore...he really doesn't..